Gillian and Zaphyr (Zaffa)
Thank you to MoorMum Gillian from Bingley for sharing her story.
When my midwife said she would be able to tell how dilated I was without even looking at me, I knew she was the right one. After a lot of discussion with her (over several months), I decided to give birth with minimum intervention – that meant no internal examinations, no injections, no vitamin k for the baby, etc. We ended up not even weighing the baby when he was born – he just felt so new and vulnerable and I wanted to keep him skin to skin, where he knew he was safe. Even though I was very scared of giving birth, something inside me knew that it was what my body was designed to do. I decided to go for a homebirth knowing I could always transfer to hospital if I needed to and that my midwife had medical resources with her should I need them. Staying at home felt like the best way of giving myself the opportunity to do it naturally. I decided to trust my body.
Even though I was already a week overdue, I was really hoping I wouldn’t go into labour for at least another week. I really wanted just a bit more time for myself, just to have a few more peaceful nights of sleep, long relaxing baths, etc. So when I started getting strong period pains I went into denial. I picked my boyfriend up from work and we went to the supermarket. I remember hanging over the trolley as I pushed it round as I was unable to stand upright. That night I woke up every half an hour or so with the same strong sensations, but I was still in denial that these were in fact contractions.
By morning I couldn’t take it any longer. I crawled downstairs on my hands and knees – by this time I couldn’t even stand up. I remember making it into the kitchen with my pilates ball which I slumped over, rocking forwards and back with every strong sensation. My boyfriend got up a couple of hours later (I think he was also in denial) and we decided that perhaps he shouldn’t go to work.
He rang the midwife who suggested I get in the birthing pool – this would either speed things up or slow it right down. I expected contractions to feel like some kind of contraction or a ‘wave’ or a ‘surge’ or something – but they still just felt like very very strong period pains. So even though getting into the water made everything come faster and stronger I still didn’t think I was labouring. Debs, the midwife, arrived and sat down quietly on the floor, making notes and letting me just take my time. Throughout the whole process she sat quietly and calmly where I couldn’t really see her. Every half hour or so she would say, “I’m just going to check his heartbeat”, and after she checked she would say, “he’s very happy”. Debs’ confidence that I could labour and birth easily and beautifully gave me the confidence that I could do it. Her integrity and intelligence has given me so much power as a woman and I feel that she has given me the most amazing gift.
The next few hours felt like forever. I expected to feel much more – some people had said they felt the cervix opening, others talked about waves of contractions and so many people talk about women going into a ‘trance like’ state. I just wanted to be still and lie down in the water with my eyes closed in silence. It felt like forever and ever and I didn’t feel like anything was happening.
It turns out I got in the pool at 9am and I gave birth at 2pm. Now I think that is actually quite quick, but at the time it felt like forever. For the whole time my boyfriend, Zaff, knelt by the pool holding my hands or just being there. I didn’t need him to do or say anything; I just needed him to be there. I had my eyes closed most of the time, but it was so important that he was right there in front of me. We did kiss a bit which really helped. Kissing was how I got into that predicament afterall, and it seemed to be helping me to get out of it as well (I could really feel myself relax when we kissed which helped a lot). But for the most time he just knelt by the pool.
Things started to change when I suddenly felt really sick. Luckily Zaff found a bucket quickly enough for me to throw up in. The wretching was so strong it broke my waters. It felt really good to feel my body do something really strongly expulsive. I really enjoyed being sick! I had forgotten that this often happens during transition so I still didn’t really realise what was going on.
I think because I wasn’t feeling anything particularly strongly, I started to get frustrated. In the back of my mind I kept thinking of forceps and was getting scared that I might get transferred to hospital. I still couldn’t feel the baby. In my frustration I started to try and use my voice and started to push. I was pushing and pushing and roaring and roaring and getting more and more frustrated. Eventually I decided I couldn’t handle it any more. So I decided to stop. I remember it feeling like such a psychological thing. It felt like I could control the contractions with my mind. And I felt like I’d had enough so I just stopped.
I sat in the middle of the pool, cross legged with my eyes closed. It felt like such a relief to give up all effort. I directed my breath deep into my body and let go. It was like I just stopped trying and let my body take over. Amazingly, I felt the birthing passage open up and the baby sliding down. All contractions stopped. It was such a relief I wondered why I hadn’t stopped trying earlier!
At some point I must have moved back into a kneeling position because it was in this position that I felt the ‘ring of fire’. It was only then that I thought, “this is actually happening – I am in labour!”.
I knew the baby was right there. I really wanted him out, but I knew that if I rushed this bit I could damage myself. So I made myself go slowly. I let the baby’s head start to emerge and then go back in, a bit further out, then back in again, and so on and so on. I managed to stretch myself without tearing and the baby came out without any damage to either of us.
I had not really realised that a real baby would be the result of all this hard work and I was so busy in my own birthing world that I forgot about the baby! I heard Debs calling my name. I turned around and she bobbed the baby up to the surface of the water for me to pick up. He looked so small and big at the same time – and like a real little human being! As I looked at his face I knew he needed some reassurance and care – I immediately started talking to him saying hello and telling him it was okay. He was so lovely and sweet and I felt so proud of him and myself for birthing so well.
After sitting in the pool for ages just holding him with me and Zaff looking at him, we decided to move. The cord was so short that it was difficult for me to change position, so Debs cut the cord and handed the baby to Zaff. I’ll never forget Zaff sitting on the bed holding his little baby so carefully and just gazing at him, meeting him face to face for the first time.
I then had the job of delivering the placenta which was quite hard for me. I think I’d had enough by that time and I had clamped shut. After trying all sorts to get it out, it finally plopped out when I went to the toilet. I was then finally able to clean up properly and put my pyjamas on. I got into bed with the baby and we all had tea and cake which tasted like the most delicious tea and cake you could ever imagine. I felt indescribably wonderful. Preparing for birth was such a deep and difficult journey for me. I was so scared and unconfident. The whole thing, even the birth itself, was hugely psychological. The whole experience I feel has given me so much emotional strength and I feel so empowered by it. I am so grateful to Zaff and Debs for all they have done in helping me birth my baby.
If you would like to contact Gillian to discuss her story or ask any questions, please contact us.
