Like a lot of expectant mums, I was keen to give breastfeeding a try. I’d read all the advice about how beneficial breastfeeding can be for both mother and baby. I had also heard that it could be very painful so I was also a little aprehensive.
As it turned out, I was very lucky and found breastfeeding very easy. It wasn’t painful or uncomfortable. I did feel a bit uncomfortable at first when feeding in public, but I soon got the hang of being a bit more discreet. I ended up feeding my son until he was nearly a year old and I have also fed my second son so far (6 months). I have really enjoyed it and it has been a wonderful bonding experience.
However, this hasn’t been the experience of all new mums. Local mum Susan from Addingham has been kind enough to share her experience with us.
Is breast always best? – by Susan
I strongly agree that ‘breast is best’ but I do feel that there is a huge amount of pressure on mothers to breastfeed. Research has shown that breast milk has many advantages over bottled milk and at the end of the day, every woman wants to do the best for their baby. However, I put a considerable amount of pressure on myself to breastfeed, and in hindsight, I now question whether it was worth it.
Although some women can breastfeed pretty easily straight away, breastfeeding did not come naturally to me at all. I had a natural homebirth with no pain relief and did skin-to-skin and breastfed my daughter when the umbilical cord was still attached. However, every feed from the first feed was, at the best, very uncomfortable. After two weeks, most feeds were toe-curlingly painful. I would often kick the bed, bite on my hand or a pillow and cry for the forty minutes it took to feed my daughter.
As each feed approached, I would start to become anxious and when my daughter started to wake up or cry I would panic and do anything instead of feed her. I would start to dread her waking as I knew I would have to feed her. I therefore feel that the first weeks of my daughter’s life were lost as I spent a large proportion of it crying and generally feeling like a failure.
When you are feeding a baby for 40 minutes at least six times a day, and you begin to dread each feed, getting through each day can be difficult and as each week passed, I felt more and more depressed. I also felt very isolated as my husband had returned to work and I couldn’t leave the house very easily as I couldn’t feed her outside on my own.
Over the next few weeks, in desperation, I sought help from my private midwife, other midwives in the area, friends, health visitors, breast feeding cafes, GPs, a breastfeeding expert and La Leche. Everyone was very willing to help but nothing seemed to work and I slowly became more frustrated and regarded myself as a ‘failure’ as a mother.
After seven weeks of trying, I felt, for the sake of my sanity, that I would start to express to give my breasts a break. I still tried to breastfeed but it was still too painful and I finally made a decision to stop. I then expressed for another sixteen weeks until my milk finally dried up.
The decison to stop breastfeeding was one of the most difficult decisions I’ve ever made. I felt selfish for putting my needs before the needs of my baby and I felt extremely guilty about ‘sacking it off’ even after trying for so long.
I would always tell anyone who was having a baby to ensure they give breastfeeding a try. However, I would also advise them not to persevere at any cost. There are many factors which should be considered before you write yourself off as a bad mother for bottle feeding. From weaning to behaviour management, social skills to health and exercise, breast feeding your baby is only one part of being a ‘good mother’ and I wish I’d kept more perspective on this with my first daughter.
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Thank you very much to Susan for sharing her experiences.
